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The second half of my 29th year and my 30th year had been tough. Nobody told me that the whole process of preparing for a wedding, going through the wedding, dealing with home renovation, moving into a new home, and settling down to a new life would be so difficult. There was a constant stream of demands and expectations, and I always felt I was not good enough. Not good enough because my mugs and TV console were dusty. Not good enough because my toilet wasn't scrubbed and spotless. Not good enough because I can't cook. Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough. That was how I summed up my 2018. Always not good enough. No matter how hard I try I just cannot get it right, and no matter how much I do I'm just not the perfect wife / daughter-in-law. And it sucked. 

But I eventually realised that a line has to be drawn somewhere. Sure, I should clean my place every now and then because we should not be living in a pig sty. And yes I should learn how to cook basic dishes because cooking is a life skill. But no, I am not Susie the homemaker. I do not have to clean my place every single day so that it looks like a showroom. I don't have to cook like some celebrity chef and invite everybody over to witness my culinary abilities. 

I am not like that and expecting myself to be that way was just killing me slowly. It was unfair to lie to myself that I could become that way if I try hard enough. There are women who genuinely enjoy taking care of the household but I am just not one of them. I have no issue taking care of the basics but I do not aspire to be Marie Kondo and I have finally accepted that there is nothing wrong with that. I will never fold clothes with gusto but I can take the laundry down, fold them and arrange them somewhat in the wardrobe.

So for my 31st I am making a note to myself to do a few things. First, to accept that I am never going to be a domestic goddess and that is ok. Second, to tell whoever who tells me that I should [insert household chore] to take that unsolicited opinion / advice and stuff it where the sun doesn't shine. Third, to stand up more for myself in the face of intrusive and interfering people. It is tough keeping boundaries, especially when the boundaries are completely not respected and the intruder is someone close, but I promise myself I will try harder this year.

Maybe I should just hang a sign at my door that reads "If you are coming with unsolicited advice / opinion, please take it back home with you. Kthxbye."

But through it all, I am immensely grateful to my family and good friends for sticking by me and listening to my endless ridiculous stories. Thank you for not asking me to shut up and for supporting me through the year.

Of course, I am also thankful for my husband who single-handedly managed the last minute wedding preparation when I was busy with work and who listened to my rants when I get irritated by all the unsolicited advice by others. Thank you for loving me even when I placed the frozen chicken in the fridge instead of the freezer (much to your horror).

Here's to a more snarky and courageous me in the coming year!

Sushi Jin

Starting my food blog again and realised I have many draft posts from more than a year ago! So I shall get around to publishing them.

Zg and I joined Stef and King for lunch on a grey Saturday afternoon. Circled around to find parking because Sushi Jin's address seemed to suggest that it was housed in Farrer Park Hospital, and we were not sure whether that was really the case. After some deliberation (which involved calling Stef and asking the security guard), we were finally parked and settled for our lunch.

Ordered the truffle chawanmushi which was so delicious and full of ingredients!

Their set lunch was served with appetiser, soup and dessert. I chose Kaisen Don ($45). The price tag might be a little hefty, but woah it was definitely worth it. The sashimi in my Kaisen Don was so sweet and fresh. It came with two crab claws too!

Dessert was custard in mochi.

I would suggest you make a reservation if you are visiting Sushi Jin for lunch on a weekend. We were glad we did when we arrived to find the restaurant almost full. The place was quiet even though every table was filled, so it was still easy to chat and relax over lunch.

1 Farrer Park Station road, Owen Link, #01-11 Singapiore 217562

64433378

Monday to Sunday 12 to 230pm, 630 to 1030 pm

Turtles all the way down

"One of the challenges with pain - physical or psychic - is that we can only approach it through metaphor. It can't be represented the way a table or a body can. In some ways, pain is the opposite of language. And we are such language-based creatures that to some extent we cannot know what we cannot name. And so we assume it isn't real. We refer to it with catch-all terms, like crazy or chronic pain, terms that both ostracize and minimise. The term chronic pain captures nothing of the grinding, constant, ceaseless, inescapable hurt. And the term crazy arrives at us with none of the terror and worry you live with. Nor do either of those terms connote the courage people in such pains exemplify."

As usual, John Green is right. How does one describe pain? I had a recent encounter when I was asked to describe pain based on a numerical chart and, through the haze of pain, my brain can actually form a coherent thought, "This is bull." How would one know whether the intense pain should be a 5 or a 8? How would one know whether there could be a pain that can be worse because, at this very moment, the pain is so severe that it feels like the world is closing in on you? 

In a way, pain defies a fundamental belief that I hold close to heart. I have always believed that I can make something work through sheer hard work. It doesn't matter that things are shitty now, I can fix it if I work hard enough. But pain defies that. You cannot work hard to make the pain go away. You cannot work hard to not be ill anymore.

As usual, John Green makes me emo. Thank god I am an eternal optimist. 

那些你很冒险的梦

那些你很冒险的梦，我陪你去疯。

好想唱K。 好想在这天冷的夜吃冰淇淋。好想跑可又累的不行。

好想远走高飞，可为什么还是原地踏步？

太多天没睡，脑子坏了。

真心

想在咖啡厅里喝杯咖啡，读本书，与世无争。

原来一尘不染的真心在这世界上是多么难能可贵。

也该睡了吧

雨下的夜，看着那朦胧的弯月，好冷。

一着不慎，满盘皆输

不甘，真不甘。用这么多年换来的，要拱手让给一个不正直的恶霸。虽要走，可没想过这些年的心血将会如此。我曾想过，给谁都可以，就唯独不是他。

那可怜的两个，以后就是被他吃定过日子了。

彩屏啊，无能就是如此，不能保护自己，也不能保护你心疼的晚辈。

不甘，真不甘。