So today was one of those days when I really needed a drink. But I am sick and coughing like my lungs are going to give up on me so I cannot drink and can only curl up in a corner and bawl my eyes out. And now that I am done with that, I have decided to just type away. This is going to to come out like a stream of consciousness and maybe I will delete this tomorrow. But hey, I should not be ashamed of myself in this weak shitty state. If you are reading my blog for flowers, pretty sights and the untrue side of social media, stop reading now. I have no lies to feed you with tonight.
I heard this story sometime ago:
One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside usis Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’
My Evil Wolf has been growing stronger day after day for a long while now. The little voice, the gnawing thought that I am lousy, that I am not good enough, that nothing I do will ever be good enough, that little voice has been grow louder, stronger, and more real each time I feed it. And it has been so easy to feed that voice nowadays. So many people have been helping me feed my Evil Wolf these days. I used to have a strong Good Wolf. Strong enough so that I know when people are just being mean, unhelpful and demeaning, and not let them get to me. I learnt early on in my job that people can sense weakness, and once you are weak, you are dead because people will just go in for the kill. Applies in the jungle, applies here. So my Good Wolf was always strong, my mind was always strong, and I know what I was doing, where I was going.
I don't know what happened but one day the balance tipped. And now here I am, in a sad pathetic ball, not knowing how I got here. A little like being drunk except that this is reality and I did not drink a drop.
At my saddest moment today, I went to Bugis and bought a kebab from my favourite kebab store Stuff'd. I have never realised it before but today I noticed that there was a quote on each kebab! And mine was so apt...
They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds.
Evil Wolf says, "Please, woman, you are a rotting corpse. Just accept it and do your part as an organic fertiliser."
Good Wolf says, "See? You are a seed. One day you will grow into a big strong tree and you will thank the people who buried you."
I will feed the Good Wolf tonight. Even if it takes all the strength I have left, I will feed the Good Wolf tonight.